A Victorian Scrapbook

A man picked up a purse in the street, and advertised the fact. In ten days he was visited by sixty-one men, women, boys, and girls, all claiming to have lost the money. The sum was but eleven shillings, but of each visitor who called the finder asked: “So you lost fifty shillings, did you?”
Nine-tenths of the applicants replied, “Yes, sir.”
“Ah!” said he, “yours was another purse.”

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BRIDE (on shipboard at sea): “I feel so sick, my dear, and if I should die and they bury me here you’ll sometimes come and plant flowers on my grave, won’t you?”

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Two women recently had a duel in regular man style. The both fired at the word; one hit a boy who was climbing over the paling, and the other hit a calf in the field. Both having drawn blood they acknowledged that they had received satisfaction.

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JOHNNIE, a bright boy of six years, while being dressed for school, observing his little over-coat much worse for wear and greatly in want of repair, turned quickly to his mother, and asked, “Ma, is pa rich?”
“Yes – very rich, Johnnie; he is worth two millions and a-half.”
“What in, ma?”
“Oh, he values you at one million, me at one million, and baby at a half-a-million!”
Johnnie, after thinking a moment: “Ma, tell pa to sell the baby and buy us some clothes.”

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HE: “My income is small, and perhaps it is cruel of me to take you from your father’s roof.”
SHE: “I don’t live on the roof.”

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INDIGNANT HUSBAND: “Now, I think this is going too far. You promised me that you would countermand your order for that dress.”
Meek and lovely wife: “I wrote to the firm that very day.”
“But here is the dress and the bill for it; enough to bankrupt me almost. How do you explain that?”
“I gave you the letter to post, and suppose that you forgot it, as usual.”

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A STOCKBROKER, returning to his office the other day after a substantial luncheon with a client said, complacently, to his head clerk:
“Mr Putkin, the world looks different to man when he has a bottle of champagne in him.”
“Yes, sir,” replied the clerk, significantly, “and he looks different to the world.”

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IN A PHOTOGRAPHER’S GALLERY. – Customer (after looking at negative): “Not a single hair is shown on the head.”
Photographer: “No, for you are entirely bald.”
Customer: “Yes, I know that, but I intended to have my picture taken with a good crop of hair.”
Photographer: “What difference does it make?”
Customer: “Makes a great deal of difference. I am the manufacturer of the celebrated Never Fail hair restorer, and I want to put my picture on the bottle.”

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“So, Marie, you do not love me any longer?”
“No, Charles; your recent escapades have made a great change in my heart. I can hereafter be but a sister to you.”
“Only a sister, eh?”
“Yes, I’m sorry to say, only a sister.”
“A true sister?”
“Yes.”
“Well, then, lend me five shillings.”

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THE RULING PASSION.
Husband: (rushing into the room) “Come out quick.”
Wife: “What’s the matter?”
“The house is on fire, and we will be burned to death if we hesitate a moment. Run, run for your life!”
“Yes, I’ll be out in a minute: I’ve got to tidy up the room a little so as it will look decent when the firemen get here.”

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Passenger (on tram car, alarmed): “Madam, do you feel a fit coming on?”
Madam (haughtily): “No, sir; I’m trying to find my pocket.”

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“My dear husband,” said a devoted wife “why will you not leave off smoking? It is such an odious practice, and makes your breath smell so!”
“Yes,” replied the husband, “but only consider the time I have devoted and the money I have spent to learn to smoke. If I should leave off now, all that time and money would have been wasted, don’t you see?”

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“If I should tell you, dear,” he said, “that my love for you had grown cold; that I had ceased to care for you, and that the happy time when I shall claim you as my ownest own will never never be, would it really be a trial to you, darling?”
“Yes, George,” shyly admitted the girl, “it would be a breach of promise trial.”

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“Have you heard the sad misfortune that has befallen our friend Jones?”
“No, What was the matter?”
“Why, only last night he joined us at supper, well and hearty as usual; and to-day, only six hours afterwards, he was married!”

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“No, sir,” said a weary-looking man in a train to an individual by his side, “I wouldn’t marry the best woman alive” I’ve been a draper too long for that.”

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“Is Mr. Brown a man of means?” inquired a lady visitor of Aunt Betsy.
“Yes, I should think he was,” replied Aunt Betsy, “as everybody says he’s the meanest man in town.”

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CHARLIE (showing his friends a piece of bric-a-brac): “There is a little gem that I got while abroad.”
Friend: “Where did you get it?”
Charlie (carelessly): “Oh, I picked it up in Florence.”
Friend: “You’re lucky. I’ve got the same thing, but I didn’t pick it up anywhere. I had to buy it, and it cost me four and sixpence.”

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“WHATEVER have you done with that lovely little dog you used to have?” asked Miss de Lacy.
“Why, my dear,” was the confidential reply, “I had to exchange him at the dog fancier’s. He was a good pet, but he didn’t match at all with my new sealskin.”

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SUNDAY-SCHOOL TEACHER (who takes a class for the first time): “I wonder if you have all been christened?”
Small child (in a loud voice): “Oh, yes, teacher; I’ve got the marks on my arm now.”

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“say, where you get dat new hat?”
“Why, at de shop, ob course.”
“What is de price ob such an article as dat?”
“I don’t know, I don’t know, de shopkeeper wasn’t dar!"

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