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“INDUSTRY MUST PROSPER.” As the man said
when holding the baby while his wife chopped wood.
PLEASANT. – To open your wife’s jewel-box
and discover a strange gentleman’s hair done up as a keepsake.
ARDUOUS UNDERTAKING. – A London auctioneer has
undertaken to “knock down” Ben Nevis, the highest mountain
in all Scotland.
A FRUGAL MEAL. – “Well, how do you like
your new place?” “O, bery well, Massa.” What did you
have for breakfast this morning?” “Why, you see, Misses boiled
tree eggs for herself and gib me the brort.”*
*A rough translation: - (“Well,
how do you like your new place?” “O, very well, Master.”
What did you have for breakfast this morning?” “Why, you see,
Mistress boiled tree (three? the?) eggs for herself and gave me the fork?”)
ONE OR THE OTHER. – A gentleman, when recently
married, said, in bad grammar, to the officiating clergyman (a confirmed
wit.) “I think I have done wise.” “Yes (replied
the other), undoubtedly you have done wise or otherwise.”
A BROAD HINT. – A buck, while being measure for
a pair of boots, observed; “Make them cover the calf.” “Heavens!”
exclaimed the astounded shoemaker, surveying his customer from head to
foot, “I have not leather enough.”
GOING THE ENTIRE ANIMAL. – “Miss, will you
take my arm?” “La! Yes, and you too.” “Can only
spare the arm, Miss, Miss,” hastily replied the Bachelor. “Then,”
said Miss, “I can’t take it, as my motto is to go the whole
hog, or none at all.”
ENIGMATICAL. – A gentleman, on being asked what
he had for dinner, replied, “A lean wife roasted, and the ruin of
man for sauce.” What did his dinner consist of? Of course you give
it up, and here’s the answer – a spare rib and apple-sauce.
A LADY thought it would look interesting to faint away
at a party the other evening. One of the company began bathing her temples
and head with rum, when the lady exclaimed, “For Heaven’s
sake, put nothing on that will change the colour of my hair!”
A PUZZLED IRISHMAN. – Mr. O’Flaherty undertook
to tell how many were at a party: - “The two Crogans was one; meself
was two; Mike Finn was three; and – and - who the deuce was four?
Let me see (counting his fingers) – the two Crogans was one, Mike
Finn was two, meself was three – and – bedad! There was four
of us, but Saint Patrick couldn’t tell the name of the other. Not
it’s meself that has it. Mike Finn was one, the two Crogans was
two, meself was three – and – and – by my sowl, I think
there was but three of us afther all.”
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