A Victorian Scrapbook

SMITH DRUNK versus SMITH SOBER. – Smith, the razor-strop man, occasionally breaks off from the subject of the very peculiar quality of his strops, and gives his audience a short lecture on temperance, in his own peculiar, droll way.

Here is a short extract: - “When I drank grog I owned a cat, a poor, lean, lantern-jawed thing, that was always getting into a scrape. As I had nothing for her to eat, she was compelled to take to the highway; and the neighbours were continually crying out, `Cuss that Smith’s cat, she’s drunk all my milk.’ Poor thing, she had to steal or die; for she could find no pickings at home, for even the poor mice that were left were so poor and scraggy that it took several of them to make a shadow; and a decent cat would starve to death in three weeks, on an allowance of eighteen per day. But when I reformed, things took a different turn. The kitchen being well provided, the crumbs were plenty; and the old cat grew fat and honest together. – Even the mice grew fat and oily, and the old tabby would make a hearty supper on them, and then lie down and snooze, with the pleasing consolation of knowing that when she was awoke there would be a few more left of the same sort. – And again, when I was a beer-guzzler, mother cried, father cried, Bill cried, Moll cried, and the cat cried. But when I signed the pledge, father sung, mother sung, wife sung, the cat sung, and the kettle sung, and I bought a new frying-pan, and put a nice piece of beet-steak in it, and placed it on the fire, and that sung, and that’s the king of singing for the working man. – And a third, the difference between Smith sober and Smith drunk is this; Smith drunk was rummy, ragged, and riotous; Smith sober is joyful, jovial, and jolly. Smith drunk was stuttering, stupid, and staggering; Smith sober is cool, clear-headed, and cautious. Smith drunk was sick, sore, and sorry; Smith sober is hearty, healthy, and happy. Smith drunk was ill-read, ill-bred, and ill-fed; Smith sober is well-saved, well-behaved, and well-shaved.”